My heart swelled as my sweet, 20 year old friend sat on my couch one night after Bible study and shared her deep insecurities. As the other women gathered their purses and put on their shoes (we get kind of comfortable during Bible study), she lingered and tried her darnedest to hold back tears. I recognized the look in her eyes.
She shared how she couldn’t help but think everyone else in the room thought she was weird. She shared how she felt different and unaccepted. She shared how she almost didn’t come back to study tonight for fear that she had nothing of value to offer. This was her perspective. The fog of insecurities and the lens of salty tears lead her to a false reality.
From my perspective, this friend of mine shared deep concerns with the group that others could relate to. From my perspective, her thoughts added great value to the group and the topic at hand. From the group’s perspective, she would be greatly missed had she not shown up tonight.
I sat down on the couch and confessed that I too lived in a false reality driven by insecurities when I was her age. Heck…I still have to fight those insecurities now, though my piece of advice I had to give her still plays over and over in my own mind.
Confidence in yourself and who you are comes over time. When we immerse ourselves in the Lord and focus on who HE is rather than the journey of “finding ourselves,” true confidence and self acceptance emerges. It is a day by day, minute by minute kind of thing. We wrap our mind around His power, His love, His greatness, His majesty and slowly our attitudes and perspective change. A sense of self acceptance bubbles up because we know the only ONE who’s opinion of us that really matters.
I once watched Oprah interview a new aged guru who wrote a book about “finding yourself.” Though this interview proved shallow, a little nugget of truth stood out to me. I’ve played this nugget over and over in my head through out the years and God has used the phrase to bring perspective in my life.
If you truly understood how much people do not think about you, you wouldn’t worry so much about what others think.
Let that sink in…
Everyone else is so concerned about their own stuff, they are not really as concerned with our stuff as we think they are!
This is a life truth I imparted on my sweet friend. You will notice that I described earlier that my heart swelled for her. It didn’t break, it didn’t melt, it swelled. She is 20 years old, has her whole life in front of her and I had the wonderful opportunity to give her some advice which would hopefully reshape her confidence and save her from the heart ache which plagues many twentysomethings.
But, my advice is not all encompassing. I would like to bring in someone who has been there and done that regarding her insecurities and come out on the other side with a true understanding of who the Lord is — her loving Father–and who she is in His eyes — his beautiful daughter.
I am so excited to share a book with you from a sweet friend of mine. Renee Swope is the real deal and she shares practical advice in her new book A Confident Heart: How to Stop Doubting Yourself and Live in the Security of God’s Promises.
.
Let’s take a few moments, as we often do on this site to get real. Will you share your own struggles with insecurity and how you resolve that false reality? My hope is that by sharing our stuff, others will relate and find encouragement that they too share the same insecurities. There is healing in the knowledge that we are not the only ones blinded by our insecurities.
Go ahead and share your thoughts to be entered in to win one of two copies of A Confident Heart!
I will randomly draw a winner and announce who won Renee’s book on Friday. But in the meantime, check out Chapter 1 from A Confident Heart and sign up for the FREE 7-day Doubt Diet. Click Here!
I struggled with my insecurities for so long, and I’m still struggling. I was never the size 2 in high school and I let what other people might think of me drag me down. I had no self-confidence and I was always wishing I someone else. But I learned, through ministering to the youth at a church, that regardless of what other think God made me who he wanted me to be. I had to stop thinking what others thought of me and think about who God had made me to be. In doing so I have gained so much confidence through Christ, and I am slowly letting go of my insecurities!
I literally devoured this first chapter. Highlighted, took margin notes, etc. Cant wait to win a copy to read further.
Sweet Friend,
First of all, thank you for having the courage and heart to notice your 20 something friend look and knew to pursue her in conversation. I think too often so many of us get caught up in our own selves and miss out on the opportunites to minister and be used by God to connect with others who are hurting. I think its awesome that you made yourself available to her. I know I would have been grateful and I know there were times when I wished and hoped someone would have seen me and stopped to connect.
I also have heard the “Everyone else is so concerned about their own stuff, they are not really as concerned with our stuff as we think they are!” This is tso true and is just a reminder of how much we need to get over ourselves sometimes. We can get so wrapped up in ourselves and worrying about what others are thinking that we can miss out on the opportunites in front of us (understanding this comes with time and experience). I myself have doen this so many times, especially when I was a new believer or in a new group of people that I didn’t have the confidence in myself to know that I could provide value and meaning to others.
Thanks for this reminder. :)
-K
Absolutely love this post, Sarah! We are told so many times that the purpose of our twenties is to ‘find ourselves’, when…really, the purpose of every season is to grow closer to and glorify GOD! It is only when we immerse ourselves in Him that we find our true identity, just as you said. love love love love love it.
Oh, where do I start? I have struggled in the past with wanting to seem more “normal.” But I’ve come to realize over the years that I am just a very different kind of girl. I’m the nerdy girl, who is a closet poet, a wannabe photographer, a currently working-on-and-attempting-to-become-a-novelist and a small mountain town bookshop girl. At times I find myself comparing myself to those other young twentysomethings out there who seem to have things more put together than I do. Like the ones who have gone to College (whereas I chose not to because I didn’t feel lead by the Lord), are already published writer’s and are currently planning their weddings. Somehow when I look at other young women’s successes my first inclination is to be happy for them and my second is to look at myself and say “What is wrong with you, Sarah? How come you aren’t where they are at in life already?” I know that these whispers in my heart are ALL lies and that they only seek to destroy my self-confidence, but I still have this internal struggle going on with myself often. Hmm, I think I need to read Renee’s book! I think I may just need a confidence check!
AH! I feel like I wrote this!!!
You have literally taken a peek inside of my <3.
Hi Chelsea! It’s very comforting to know that I’m not the only one who feels like this. Hey, if you’d like to talk and swap stories any time you can find me on my blog (all my other contact info is on my blog too): http://daughteroftheking89.blogspot.com I’d love to have a friend to talk to and lift up to Him! =)
I am never confident, in anything, people only see me as that because the wall around my haeat and feeling has been built so high, only select few can ever see what is really going on. praying for strength to be what God wants me to be
Have had self-esteem issues for as long as I can remember. Looking forward to ACH Bible study starting in a couple of weeks.
My biggest insecurities have most often been about my physical appearence. Over the years probably into my mid 20’s or so, I finally started getting the victory with this, and found that being rather ordinary is ok. The older I have gotten, and the closer I have gotten to the Lord, the more I am at peace with what the Lord is doing in my life.
I have so many places I could start……….but I guess the basis for all my insecurities comes from not being wanted……my Mom didn’t want anymore kids when she had me and told me as much when I was about 35. That one statement made my whole life kinda fall into place. Growing up, I had always felt unwanted, unloved and in the way. Imagine how horrible my two younger siblings felt. I was the 5th of 7 kids. I can understand why my Mom would feel that way……my next oldest sibling was almost 7 when I was born………no more diapers, all kids in school……….freedom for my Mom. What I have never understood is why she wanted to hurt me by telling me this. Anyway, like I said, it made me understand my life better up until that time. I did not feel loved or wanted in my first marriage…….accent of the “first marriage”……….and never felt confident in most things I did until I met my second husband and until I allowed Jesus into my heart. I know now that I am here for a reason………God wanted me here. He loved me before I was born and even if my Mom and first husband didn’t. He was patient with me in all the mistakes I made looking for Him. He blessed me with another chance at marriage with a loving, giving man and who is now a Godly man, too. I can, most of the time, put the past behind me and live in what God gives me each day. Some days I can wallow in the past and relive some of the hurt but for the most part, I live a blessed life that I wouldn’t trade for the removal of any of the past.
When I read this, it was like you were speaking right to me! I’m 20 yrs old and the youngest in my bible study. I often feel exactly like your sweet friend you described. My insecurities seem to come bubbling up often because I feel like I have nothing to offer and worry about what the other women in the group think of me. These are women who call me their friend and who I call my friends! So grateful for this post and the great reminder to get to know who I am by knowing who He is!
Sabrina,
So glad you stopped by. I hope that this post helps you to see how much value you bring. Like I said in the post, confidence comes with time and making time to immerse ourselves in the One who truly matters. Hope to keep in touch!
I LOVE this site! Way to go!
Hi Sarah!
This post really resonates in my heart. I want to sit next to you and your 20 year old friend and talk with you both for hours. You see, I am turning 25 in …2 days? and I STILL struggle with those feelings. That feeling of insecurity that I am not like girls or women out there. I am less knowledgable of being a woman than I feel my 9 year old niece is. I don’t know how to put on makeup, I hate shaving my legs every day so I don’t and I work as a barista at a coffee shop. AT 25 YEARS OLD! When I go to my small group every week I feel like a loser at first. The other girls it seems have it all together. Some are engaged to be married, others are stepping into their careers and some are just beautiful and young and having fun…and then there is me…boring, plain me…who doesn’t even have her own place because I can’t afford it me…who lives paycheck to paycheck and wears the same ripped jeans and no makeup me…
It took my small group leader (and my older sister who I feel is like my mentor) to love on me like you do with your girls, Sarah. I am learning (ever-so-slowly) that I am not who I see and interpret, I am the I AM’s. And that is what makes me special. I want to tell your 20 year old friend that it would be an honor to sit with her for an hour and let her know that her presence and life and experiences are important. I want to do that because someone has done that for me. I haven’t gotten it completely yet, but I know that it is instances like this that make a lifetime (so far) of feeling inadequate and out of place worth it.
Chelsea,
Girl, It would be so fun to hang out with you. Too bad geography keeps us from doing that. Glad to have the internet to be able to keep in touch with you!
Replace coffee shop with bookshop and you pretty much are me. I love that… I am the I Am’s! You’re right. Feeling out of it is completely worth it because through my inadequacies I’ve found that my God is enough when I am not.
I have this book and cannot put it down, but I would love to give one to a friend who really needs this. It is very powerful, enlightening and God is all over it. He has been speaking to my heart about some changes I need to make in my own life, but also some attitudes, thought patterns and habits that need changing. God’s word is encouraging and helps shape our lives to live for Him. One thing that I really like is the back of the book where it mentions the things we tell ourselves, what God says about us and His promises.
Thank you for being a blessings!
in Christ
I have battled insecurity and a lack of self confidence for most of my life. I have worked really hard to overcome this but the battle scars of life have weighed me down. Multiple layoffs over the past 5 years, splintered relationships with siblings over my mother’s estate, and subsequent marital issues have all weighed heavy on my heart. I would love to win this book and gain insight into God’s plan for my life.
My insecurity comes from terrible mistakes I made and I still keep making. I know what the word of God says, but I feel that I am reaping what I sow. I have a problem of needing approval from others and do wrong things just to please them. I want to overcome my past and get healing for my heart so I can have confidence in who I am in Christ.
Wow, your post and all the contributions of your readers is so very meaningful that it makes me realize even more than I already had, that insecurities are not something that we have to face alone. Not only do we have friends and family, but we have God and his Son who are always wiling to provide us with the support we need. My insecurities have ranged from the physical to the intellectual to if I am deserving of a partner in life.
Starting wit the intellectual(since you asked us to share): I know that I am note ‘stupid’ but to this day it makes me upset if some one even jokingly calls me stupid, eventhough I try not to show it… I don’t know where this insecurity came from… I know that being a younger sibling I have always competed against my older brother…sometimes consciously sometimes subconsciously, however I have come to realize that we have very different strengths, and God designed us that way for a reason. I have worked on lessening that insecurity, but it still catches me sometimes…and I question my decisions and my choices for their reasoning and intellect, however I am learning to try and attune myself with God, and rely on Him and His strength.
As for the physical/having someone to share my life with… well that is a little more complicated. As someone mentioned above, I too have never been a size “2” …and most likely never will. However, I will continue to try and work to improve myself, and I hope and believe that with determination and God’s grace that I will be able to one day purchase a wardrobe and not compare myself to my TINY friends…as much. Along with my physical insecurities, I also have never really had a “boyfriend” or parnter…I have gone on dates, but I knew that I could not seriously see myself with them so I ended the not-even-relationship before they ever really went beyond lunch/dinner. I know, hope, and feel that God has a plan for me, for one of the biggest goals that I have in life is to become a parent, and eventually a GRANDPARENT (omg, I would loveeee to spoil them rotten…yes that would be me…) but…I can’t help but wonder…WHY IS IT TAKING SO LONG!!!!?!?!?! …So God is teaching me patience …and I guess I have come to realize that maybe…I need to stop questioning WHY…and make sure that I am ready for when it happens. You know…make sure that I recognize who God is bringing into my life…and look for His blessing. I know that my relationship with God has a lot of room to grow, and I can’t wait to see where it goes, but I am learning to rely on Him, and look to Him for guidance, because lets face it…I can’t really “make it” or do anything with out Him.
I feel like a failure. I just don’t know how to overcome. I try and try.
“If you truly understood how much people do not think about you, you wouldn’t worry so much about what others think.” I know this statement is absolutely true, but I still struggle. Not like I use to, but I would like to have freedom in this area.
I struggled with needing the acceptance and approval of others for years. I often bent over backwards to accommodate other people’s needs or desires, many times to my own detriment. I learned to “stuff” my feelings of frustration and unworthiness inside by overeating. It was only when I sought to honor God with what went into my body as well as what came out (in the form of my thoughts, actions, attitudes, etc.) that I found healing and the ability to see myself as God sees me. It was when I accepted His unconditional love for me (and moved that from my “head” to my “heart”) that the grip of insecurities lessened its hold on me. Love covers a multitude of sin. God IS love.
It is so hard to put my thoughts in to words when it comes to insecurities and the acceptance and approval of others. I am 54 years old and have been a Christian for 36 years and I still have a hard time believing in myself and understanding that God loves me and accepts me just the way I am and that what others think really doesn’t matter. I loved the quote “If you truly understood how much people do not think about you, you wouldn’t worry so much about what others think”, and I really need to make it stick in my head and in my heart. Thanks for your encouraging words and the opportunity to win the book that I have been wanting to get but just haven’t yet.
I can remember being that 20 year old who felt like she had nothing to offer and that others viewed her differently. Today I am a 37 year old woman, leading a women’s Bible Study group, and I still thing others see me differently. the difference is that I now remind myself to trust that God sees me for who I really am (and this is scary in itself sometimes!) and go on. Thanks for sharing this story and the book
I have struggled with insecurities since I was a kid. Even now at twenty-four, insecurities trip me up more than I care to admit. It keeps me from enjoying time with friends and from meeting new friends. But as I grow in maturity and learn to keep my eyes on Jesus, insecurities fade. Thank you, Sarah!
Okay, so I see there are a LOT of us here – struggling, fighting tooth and nail with INSECURITIES, LIES from the enemy, and from being wrongly reflected “to” ~ I am not in my twenties… I am a divorced, single Mom in my 50’s… and as MUCH as I know Christ, and KNOW the Father’s love…this is a DAILY battle. Especially since so many of friends THIS age are married, and living very different (near retirement, and empty nest goodtimes) lives ~ with their husbands. (Small town America).
I know Who I Am in Christ, Whose I Am, and His call on my life ~ yet have lacked the confidence to go forward.
An on-line friend suggested reading your book… so “I’m in!” Thanks for the chance to give our input… it’s humbling, and yes ~ not so lonely to see the rest of our Sisters that also need this extra shot in the “heart” about Who We Are In Christ. Living Confidently is something I am definately after. Perhaps it’ll help when the inevitable comments (rude, yes – but they still come) and questions come ~ including my qualifications for “ministry” after having gone through divorce.
You are APPRECIATED for the courage to write and share your heart!
Blessings.
Debra
I feel like God is really trying to get through to me. Topics on confidence don’t seem to be lacking in my life these days. Confidence has been a big issue of mine this entire year. Everything from weight to not understanding why all my friends are getting married and having babies and I will cross out of the 20 something world to being 30 and alone world, to taking someone’s quite hurtful “speaking truth in love” so personally I Feel like I’ve lost my voice in a lot of ways. I keep wanting to write about it, but the immediate thought that comes to mind is how I’m not good enough, no one wants to hear it, no one cares, that I couldn’t possibly have anything to say that others will deem worthy of their time. I have some ideas as to where this girl came from. Now I need to figure out how to make her leave.
My youngest daughter is having some real issues right now, she is only 12 ~ do you think the book is “easy enough” that it would help her ~ or more geared to adults? Please let me know your thoughts via e-mail . . . Prayers appreciated.
Sending an email right now. :)
I’m 28 years old and not sure all of these feelings ever go away. I think it’s part of our curse as women – constantly being bombarded with comparisons to others. Going through seasons of not quite feeling good enough. I’ve been feeling insecurities lately over “what do I really have to offer” and “does anyone care anyway”. Feeling like friends just don’t reciprocate. If I don’t initiate, quality time just never happens. It can be hurtful & frustrating. Wondering who your true community of friends really are. I’m starting to think that a lot of it just has to do with everyone’s crazy, busy schedules. So many people don’t have time for rich community. They’re always running from one thing to the next. But… that doesn’t make it any easier when you long for that true friendship & fellowship.
Anyway, this is a current struggle and I look forward to checking out this book.
Thanks Sarah! :)
Several girls in my small group are trying to better understand their identity in Christ to better accept themselves as they are, spiritually and physically. This sounds like a helpful book
Your post is full of wisdom. I wish someone had sat me down and shared certain truths with me when I was in my 20s. It’s true, what you say, our confidence comes from our identity in the Lord, and focusing on Him. That quote you mention is also useful to remember! I’m so blessed by reading your post, and inspired by your ministry to other women and your love for them.
My comment is a little late, but I loved your post and I didn’t want to not comment.
Like some many others who shared, I struggled/struggle with physical appearance. It’s funny because when I was younger, I was much smaller, in better shape and no after baby stretch marks (all over my stomach); but I feel better about myself now. I have learned what God thinks of me and He created me this way for a reason. I still struggle, but not nearly as bad as in my past.
And it is SO true that we are all much more concerned about ourselves than others. I heard that forever ago, but can’t think of where.
The one thing I struggle with now that I am a wife and a mom, is how my house looks. It seems like so many people are concerned about having certain furniture and a style…etc. With my husband out of work, it’s hard to afford that sort of thing. So I struggle with being insecure about my house. Then I just try to refocuse and thank God that we are still in our house and not on the street.
You are a blessing.
Thank you