Stress Point Week 5: Intense Relationships

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Week 5! Halfway through and I am having a blast with you girls!

Intense relationships: Relationships that go to the “next level” in heart matters, in engagement and even marriage. If I said it once, I will say this again and again and again: If you aren’t at this “level” of relationships, please don’t skip this chapter of Stress Point. Oh how I wish I had these life lessons filed away in my heart prior to getting into my intense relationship (marriage). If you are single, you have an opportunity to let God pour into you His TRUTH. If you are already in an intense relationship, if you’ve already made life mistakes like the ones I’ve shared in this chapter, it is NOT too late to turn things around!

We are in this together, right?!

***If you are just joining us, so glad to have you! Be sure to check out the Stress Point Online Study archives to catch up. Take your time, we aren’t going away anytime soon so don’t feel like you have to rush through the book.

Soak it in, make time for the journal questions. Hash out your thoughts in conversation with the Lord.

 

Let’s get started…

The Real (video blog)

 

 

The Raw (Discussion Questions)

~Take a look at the girlfriend case studies. While you may or may not relate exactly to them, I’m wondering if there is one little detail about those case studies that stick out to you. Do you see any heart changes or behavior changes that you might need to make in light of these examples?

~In Journal 1 (page 101) I asked you to write out your personal definition of an intense relationship. That is, what does the “next level” look like to you verse the dating phase of romantic relationships?

~On page 104-105 I introduce the triangle illustration. Would love to know your thoughts on this:

Though you might attend church together, pray together, and talk about your faith together, neither one of you should depend on the other’s faith to sustain your own, individual worship of the Lord.

 A faith that depends on another human’s relationship with the Lord is only as strong as the inevitable mistakes that human makes. It’s a fact. Our relationship with the Lord is weakened when it is dependent on the faith of our significant other. Just as your faith is not always exceptionally strong, neither is his faith. We all fail God at some point. Therefore, you and I must develop our own stuff with God separate from our guy’s stuff. (Stress Point page 104-105)

The Relevant (Bible Study Discussion Questions)

~So I promised last week that we would talk about the S-E-X word…duh duh duuuuh (again with the scary music sound effects??) But seriously, let’s dig into this. In the Finding Focus  section of this chapter we talked about boundaries that my friend Shelby set with her boyfriend and then fiancé. On page 113 I started the convo about NO SEX before marriage. Here are the verses I listed to back this up:

Hebrews 13:4; 1 Thessalonians 4:3, 4, 7; 1 Corinthians 7:2

Take some time to look up these verses so you can hide them in your heart if/when the temptation arises. These are cold, hard TRUTH that is culturally un-popular and they even enrage some. But, if we are determined to LIVE OUT! the Kinship of Christ and follow our Jesus in every area, this topic must not be skipped over.

What are your thoughts on setting physical boundaries right from the start in romantic relationships as my girlfriend Shelby did?

***If you’ve crossed these lines, please please please know that when you are in Christ, when you decide that He is your King and Savior, know that you are a new creation. Start fresh. No guilt…I promise. Even more importantly, God promises this:

Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation. The old has passed away; behold, the new has come. (2 Corinthians 5:17 ESV)

Be sure to re-read page 113 for some real encouragement on starting fresh.

~Take a minute to read my personal story in the Waiting At The Throne section. Again, this story was written for you to START out relationships (any relationship, in fact) with the concept that NO ONE should be put on a pedestal above God. In light of my story, how do you respond, personally to this verse:

If then you have been raised with Christ, seek the things that are above, where Christ is, seated at the right hand of God. Set your minds on things that are above, not on things that are on earth. 3 For you have died, and your life is hidden with Christ in God. When Christ who is your life appears, then you also will appear with him in glory. (Colossians 3:1-4 ESV)

How would you apply this to dating/romantic/intense relationships?

 

Now it is your turn! Share your thoughts on anything above or anything that is on your heart and mind. Can’t wait to hear what you have to say.

 

 

Comments

Stress Point Week 5: Intense Relationships — 42 Comments

  1. The triangle illustration was my favorite section of this chapter. I spent a lot of time reading/rereading those pages and working on the journal entries. Sarah, I believe everything you wrote is true, particularly when you said, “neither one of you should depend on the other’s faith to sustain your own.” I desire a certain man, but for years wasn’t focusing on the Lord. My walk with Him was weak. In other words, I expected a man to be a certain way, but I could be a different way. What was I thinking? It also goes back to what Lynn Cowell said in last week’s girlfriend interview about wanting to attract a godly man – you must become that type of girl and exhibit “magnetic characteristics.” This is accomplished by having a separate relationship with God. By depending on our significant other’s faith alone, our relationship with Him is weakened, as we’re all human and make mistakes. It makes so much sense! When we share our faith AND worship individually, we grow closer to God, which strengthens our relationship!

    In regards to setting physical boundaries, like your friend Shelby, I thought that was wise advice. I even wrote myself a note in the margin saying that’s what I want to do, too. I love this part from page 114, “If a certain part of your relationship (sex or anything else) hinders your constant focus at the throne of the King, it needs to be eliminated.”

    In the video you discussed submission. Months ago, when I first heard of wives submitting to their husbands, my initial reaction was, “what?” I think the immediate reaction to many is that wives must be doormats. After doing some research and thinking, I’ve discovered that’s not what it’s about at all. I agree with what you mentioned in the video – it would be easy to submit to a husband that loves God and submits to Him himself. So, the husband isn’t a tyrant. He’s a leader that’s responsible and accountable for his wife and family.

    I highly recommend this article about submission: http://www.startmarriageright.com/2012/05/the-s-word-submission

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  2. The word “submit” has been so twisted these days that it’s hard to even know what that really looks like. Surely God did not call us as females to be doormats for every man to walk all over. However, I totally agree with Sarah when she says that we have as females been wired deep down to search for a leader.

    I’ve just recently entered into a season of singleness after a 3.5 year relationship. And man has God been working in my heart/life! I have been comforted by the fact that God values my singleness. In 1 Corithians 7, Paul [a single man of of the Lord] speaks of the benefits of being single. He states, “I would like you to be free of concern. An unmarried man [or woman!] is concerned about the Lord’s affairs — how he [or she!] can please the Lord.” A season of singleness, or truly a life of singleness, is a high calling from the Lord. It’s a time to focus completely on Him and His good & pleasing will. His timing is always the best timing! And I hope and pray for myself and you other single ladies out there, that this can be a time to truly learn and understand what it means to submit. A time to seek out the Lord with our whole hearts & trust in Him completely!

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    • Ansely, I also see red flags when I hear the word “submit”, and I think that is because our culture has skewed the word and taken it out of context. I think in a Godly relationship we will have the natural desire to follow our spouse as a leader, but that we will not be suppressed. That is a totally different story. Some relationships will practice submission in a very “I am submitting” way, while others it is more equal or give-and-take. I think it really just depends on what the couple thinks it holy and agrees upon practicing. It is probably a good idea to discuss these expectations before marriage :)

      I am glad you are in such a good place with your singleness. Keep it up! And if it gets hard at times, know that there are plenty of girls who have been there.

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      • Sarah, I totally agree that this word, “submit,” along with alot of other words need to be discussed before marriage. Great point!

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  3. I wanted to skip this chapter!! Not because I do not desire to have a Christ-centered relationship, but because I currently do not have one and have a hard time not feeling frustrated. My second year of college I identified with the first case study. I felt called to singleness, but was happy about it. My relationship with God grew immensely and I am forever thankful for that time. Then, I felt the freedom to date… and have dated, but I keep “missing.” For one reason or the other the relationship is not meant to be anything long-lasting, but I have learned from each experience. I am now identifying more with the second case study and noticed something interesting about my response. I immediately thought, “what?? I may have to wait 6 more years to get married?!” I want to submit any expectations or timeline to God, but it is hard! Each day I try, and I am hopeful that with next day it will get easier. I was comforted, however, by the words: “The Lord wrapped her wounds with a promise that, one day in the future, He had a man planned for her who would make the pain from the past jerks worthwhile.” I have a similar promise from God, but find myself questioning His goodness and provision in this area. What if God’s promise is simply the promise of His son and salvation? No husband in that equation. Isn’t that good enough? Shouldn’t that be good enough? It is hard to completely submit our deepest desires to Him.

    I love the triangle illustration and to me that IS what an intense relationship looks like. In one or two dates with an individual you are sort-of feeling out the situation and seeing if this is someone you would like to know deeper. You seek God, ask what He thinks about it. If you do see a potential future, you then start to go to Church together, talk more about God and His work in your lives, and maybe someday pray together. I try to reserve praying and super deep conversation for after I am sure this is someone I would like to get to know on a more intimate level – friendships included. Sharing that aspect of my heart will connect me to someone in a unique way, so I don’t think it is appropriate to do with anyone. But it is each individuals own choice. Also, when it comes to physical interaction I try to have that conversation as soon as I start dating someone. What are their boundaries? What are mine? Also, I think it is always important to remember in relationships that we are all imperfect. I cannot expect a Godly man to have it all figured out, nor would I want him to think that he did. To me, a spirit of teachability and humility is much more attractive than someone who thinks he is ready to lead due to his infinite understanding of God.

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  4. ~Take a look at the girlfriend case studies. While you may or may not relate exactly to them, I’m wondering if there is one little detail about those case studies that stick out to you. Do you see any heart changes or behavior changes that you might need to make in light of these examples?

    Yours sticks out to me the most Sarah . I think that if i were to have a boyfriend i would put him up on a pedistal and not God. I have a history of unhealthy friendships (codependancy). I defiently need a heart change in that God needs to be first in my life not friends or boyfriends. So in a way I am glad that i dont have anyone yet cause i think it would end up “unhealthy”. But i pray that my heart changes and that God would be first!

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    • So very important to work on this NOW rather than LATER. So glad you are on this journey with your King, Meg!

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  5. I remember my boyfriend and I having a conversation about wedding vows and using the verse about wives submitting…I was super quick to say “no no no! I’m NOT vowing to submit to you in front of all my friends and family! Get real!” I’m so glad to have this put into perspective for me. Of course I can promise that to the man I love if he’s promising to love me as Christ loves. What an easy vow to make! I agree with previous posters that the word “submit” has just got so twisted. At first the word certainly made me feel like I should be a push over and a doormat and that is just not me…but what man who submits himself to Christ would take advantage of me and use me as a doormat? So that shouldn’t hold me back from allowing myself to submit and let him be the leader. Thanks so much for sharing this as I really needed to hear it and I look forward to having a nice conversation with my boy about both sides to this promise we will make to each other!

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    • Nicole, so glad that this put things into perspective. Maybe sit down and show your boyfriend my video blog? Just a thought to spur on the convo. Let us know how it goes, ok?! yay!

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  6. To tell you the truth I was the one who always cringed when I heard this verse, but Sarah when you mention that it is easier to submit to a man when he loves God that really brought joy to my heart. I seriously look at these verses in a completely different way now. Since I love God it will be so much easier to submit to my Husband.

    I like with Avery, God spoke to her about being single for her freshman year of college. I feel that God has spoken to me to stay single so that I can build my relationship with him. When thoughts of guys, dating or marriage are not going through my mid, I feel so much more at peace. Focusing on the Lord has me me ok to be single. I want to be a better christian before I am in a relationship with a guy. God is the only man I need right now.

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    • Jodi, this rocks. I truly believe that when we are focused on God and wait on His timing, our perspective changes such that He sets us up for more meaningful relationships. Thanks for sharing.

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  7. ~In Journal 1 (page 101) I asked you to write out your personal definition of an intense relationship. That is, what does the “next level” look like to you verse the dating phase of romantic relationships?

    For me, it would mean talking about Marriage, having kids, etc.. and STILL staying pure!!

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  8. ~On page 104-105 I introduce the triangle illustration. Would love to know your thoughts on this:

    I really like this concept i even use it for myself as an illustartion with my friends… that God should be top priority not my friends!!

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  9. I know that this is off topic but I have some questions for you ladies.

    I just recently started my walk with the Lord and I am “stuck” so to speak. I have no clue what to do really. i want to build a relationship with God but I do not know where to start. I am not sure how to pray and I feel weird talking out loud. I also want to read and study my bible but I do not know where to start. Also, I have no clue how to listen/hear from God. Do you have any advice for me? Any resources you would recommend that have helped you? I would very much appreciate it!

    Thank you and Hugs :-)

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    • Kristin

      I would start reading in the New Testement like Matthew, MarK, Luke or John. Then write one verse that stands out to you. Also regarding praying you dont have to pray outloud especially if you are by yourself. I still feel uncomfortable praying in a group so you are not alone. He will hear you!

      Also, I recently read that you know if you are hearing GOds voice, if you are feeling convicted, If you get thoughts like I am not good enough, or other negative thoughts like that those are not of God but of the devil, Its hard for me to explain but you just know if you are hearing from God like feeling convicted or sometimes a thought or idea will come into your mind. I hope this helps and makes sense!

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    • Kristin , I have a small note book that I call my prayer book, I am not good at voicing them out loud so I like to write them down.

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    • Kristen,
      I totally hear you. When starting out your relationship with God it can be frustrating as you just don’t know where to start. Ok…this might sound self promoting, but I really hope that Stress Point gives you a starting point. The journal sections were meant to be a place for you to look up verses in the Bible and write out your communication, thoughts, feelings and “hand” them over to Jesus.

      A few other thoughts…
      On my blog I’ve got a study where I skimmed through the book of James and did several video blogs. Click on the navigation bar (pink) where it says Home:Blog and hover over it so the drop down menu comes up. click on video Bible studies.

      Also, Crosswalk.com has some great devotions that they do every day from a multitude of writers. Sheseeks.org is one that I’m a part of and we do new content every Monday.

      I could go on and on…but it just takes time. Sit with the Lord and just write out your thoughts in a journal. Also, it really is important to find a church community. I know we’ve talked about this before and I promised a video on this—I will do it—promise. :)

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      • Thank you Sarah! I am going to get a good devotional in the next few days and start journaling more. I will check out your video blogs on James as well as crosswalk.com. Thank you for sharing! Much appreciated! Hugs

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      • I just finished the Bible study videos on the book of James. Since reading the chapters and watching the videos, I’ve learned the importance of having faith. When my prayers aren’t answered according to my hopes, I’m not being punished. It could be that He has an even better plan for me than I do and it’ll happen in His time. Instead of being frustrated and pulling away, I need to draw in even closer to Him. I recently saw this acronym for the word FAITH: Forsaking All, I Trust Him. I love that and say it often! I also need to remember to do the following: “quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry.” (James 1:19) Sarah, thank you for the study!

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  10. Submit??!! Cue the sour face and “submission is only what women from like the 1920’s do!”…until Sarah gave me a new perspective, that is! I love this from the video: “God made us to have that need for a godly man to be the head over us or else God wouldn’t have put it in His Word or command us to submit to our husband” because I’ve wondered if an “independent,” hard-headed girl like me had it in her?!!

    There are pieces of all of the girlfriend case studies that I can relate to. As for Shelby: I think setting boundaries is a good idea – but a guy that has boundaries?? It’s easy to set boundaries…enforcing those boundaries is the hard part. While opportunity only knocks once, temptation leans on the doorbell!

    I love the triangle visual and I may or may not have shouted “SO COOL!” out loud while doing the finger thing?! OK, I did.

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    • You are so right about the “enforcing the boundaries” part. This is why it is so crucial date men that are of the same belief system. Also, I’ve seen couples that have “accountability partners” and look to other couples (prefferably married couples) that help keep them accountable to those boundaries. This takes commitment, it really does. But God blesses those that obey His Word. Great stuff, Jessica. Thanks for sharing!

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  11. I love all your comments ladies about wives submitting to your husbands and thanks Sarah for sharing the video with us. I am at a point in my life that I guess I am expected to marry maybe within the next 3 years and truly it is frustrating because all of us want to marry this one man that God has chosen for us. Divorce is not an option in my dictionary and it is so difficult to know if the guy I am currently in a relationship with is the one that is right in Gods eyes. I do not want to be a disappointment. . I had past relations in which I thought that the guy was the right man to marry in sense they were good guys that worshiped God. I still have yet to find a man that is hungover passionate about God. I think that is a very hard quality in a man. I am jealous when I see that in couples that truly pray and talk about Jesus on a daily basis when they are dating.

    I myself is strong believer but I am personal about it, I journal, listen to christian songs, read blogs and try to attend church once a week even if I cannot make it to my own local church that Sunday. I am active Christian and I give my friends a whole lot of advice but still I am scared to fully commit to one man because I am not 100% sure that he is one. Honestly I do not know if I know if any man is 100% right for me. I wish God just gave me a sign or something. I mean I know we will make a good couple and work things out together through though times. He and I are very hardworking and he believes in God and prays ( mainly when he needs somethings). He is overall a good person to his family and friends. Great helper and selfless person.

    Any word of advice? Thanks XOXO you all!

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    • Jane, I think you said it right when you mentioned that no man will be perfect. This is a hard lesson I learned and wrote about in this chapter of Stress Point. The best thing I can tell you is to keep focusing on growing in your relationship with Jesus. Let no one distract you from HIM. If you are super focused on the Lord, He will guide and direct you with whatever you bring to His throne. Hope this helps!

      Hugs!

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      • Sarah, thank you for this reminder. One of the concerns that I journaled about in this chapter was keeping in mind that perfection doesn’t exist in humans, only in our King. Since beginning this study, I’ve noticed improvements in my thoughts and behaviors regarding this topic. I believe I’ve changed because I’m focusing more on God, and therefore not being so critical of myself and other people.

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  12. What are your thoughts on setting physical boundaries right from the start in romantic relationships as my girlfriend Shelby did?

    Yes I agrree if when i meet a guy one of the first things we will talk about is this.. Its going to be hard only cause my family isnt saved so they might disagree with me.. But I am standing with Scripture. Also i am thinking that even may save our first kiss until our wedding. I want it to be special.

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    • Meg! Girl! Yes! Stand firm on Scripture and let no one deter you from the TRUTH that you believe in. God’s Word will never fail you nor set you on the wrong path when you focus on Him daily. Love it!

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  13. Pingback: Stress Point Week 5: Girlfriend Interview

  14. How would you apply this to dating/romantic/intense relationships?

    We are supposed to have Gos as our top priority not our husbands , boyfriends, friends or money etc… I have a hard time with this cause I can hug my friends and feel it or tell me that they love me and I can tell them back and they are people with “skin” on.! Although I am getting much better with this .

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